


a disturbing lack of purity

by sinfuljoshler



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Angst, BDSM, Bottom Tyler, Car Accidents, Daddy Josh, Daddy Kink, Death, Depressing, Dom Josh, Dom/sub, Genderfluid Character, Josh Dun/Tyler Joseph Smut, Lowercase, M/M, Mental Illness, Sad Ending, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Harm, Sub Tyler, Suicide Attempt, Top Josh, baby boy tyler, genderfluid tyler joseph
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-19
Updated: 2017-04-24
Packaged: 2018-10-20 19:01:59
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 14
Words: 7,188
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10668861
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sinfuljoshler/pseuds/sinfuljoshler
Summary: tyler can't help the black inside his mind. it wants violent things. it wants nails on bloody skin, and the sound of bones snapping like a pencil. but the square inch of tyler's heart that he's saved for josh, it wants soft lips and warmth all around. the conflict between the two desires sends his heart into a downward spiral.Russian translation: https://ficbook.net/readfic/5468249fic based off of this story: http://archiveofourown.org/works/10723908





	1. one.

**Author's Note:**

> please read the warnings/tags.  
> they are important.

i'm a monster

it's a fact.

*

the boy falls in the courtyard. no one knows why, except tyler. as tyler's small hands hold the boy's wrists in an effort to help him up, he _knows_. he sees the monster in the boy's eyes. the disturbing lack of purity. tyler's rosy lips gape a little, and the savage inside him snarls to get closer. josh understands. he sees the same in tyler that he sees in the mirror. he pushes himself up, following the boy to the school's greenhouse. 

josh's fingers tentatively touch the plants hanging from hooks, breathing in the smell of flowers. vines cascade down from pots, flowers blossom in others.  tyler doesn't speak, his eyes do. josh silently nods, knowing what tyler's eyes are asking. _you too?_ in a thousand languages, it means the same. it voices recognition, and a desire for familiarity. this is something josh provides as his almost-faded scars glisten in the light on his wrist. 

tyler touches them with his thin fingers, his skin cooler than it should be. lack of food, he supposes. tyler's doe eyes connect with josh's. they're sad now. josh touches tyler's barely pouting lip before turning and leaving. nothing needs to be said, the message is clear.

_i understand, but i'll stay away, until i'm ready._

_*_

tyler screams again in the forest. his vocal chords reach a sound like shredding paper when they can't keep up with the emotions leaving tyler's mouth. he doesn't know what he feels today. 

lost. hopeless. yet, there's something else teasing the back of his mind. it's almost like the square inch he'd saved for josh has expanded, but it still isn't josh's. why not?

tyler claws at the bark on a tree, effectively cutting open his finger tips. he stains the tree with his blood. he stops screaming, staring. he feels a hand grab his shoulder and spin him around. he knows who it is the minute he sees pastel pink. josh. 

for a few seconds, josh looks at him sternly. he asserts his dominance simply by wrapping his hands around tyler's wrists. tyler can't help but fall into a daze as josh pulls him out of the forest and into a house not unlike his own. tyler's bones aren't quite jelly, closer to rubber. he wants to fall in josh's arms and stay. _heel_. he comes to when his thighs meet cold porcelain. a sink. 

tyler looks at josh with soft eyes as josh gently cleans up his hands. "this isn't the right way, tyler." he murmurs, looking at him softly. 

"punish me, then." tyler says sullenly. although he wants to scream more, he locks up his voice. he knows josh is like him, josh will scream too. he wants josh as quiet as him. 

"not yet." josh replies, carefully wrapping band-aids over each of tyler's fingertips. 

his words send a shiver down tyler's delicate spine, much like the sound of a gunshot would a bird's. although, it wasn't bad. tyler felt like prey. he wanted josh to devour him. 

"if not now, then when?" tyler challenged softly. 

josh's lips just barely quirk in a smile. "whenever i please." he replies simply.

his words were few, but the message is clear. i _hold the power_. 


	2. two.

there is no escaping spring.

there is no escaping me.

*

josh is closer now. he sits with his knee pressed to tyler's, silently eating his sandwich. they don't talk much. neither of them are verbally exceptional. they don't mind. a soft wind makes locks of josh's pastel pink hair twirl like ribbons. tyler wants to pull them until josh's roots turn red with his own blood. 

"i don't think i'm a boy." tyler murmurs.

josh considers his answer for a second. carefully. 

"what are you? maybe a rabbit?" josh grins, his soft squeeze of tyler's hand a silent reassurance that his questions were pure jest. 

tyler's cheeks blossom the color of newborn valentine roses. tyler's face is like the first day of spring as each blood vessel opens up wider and projects the color of his blood just under his skin. 

"only if you're a wolf." though tyler's words are cryptic, their message is explicit. 

_destroy me._

josh chuckles, "a girl then? or something in between?" he asks.

"maybe both. or neither. both are good. though that means, in a way, i'm neither." tyler muses, "i-" 

josh shoves a piece of cookie in tyler's mouth to stop the spill of words. plugging up a faucet. tyler hums contently, eating slowly. tyler indulges in this moment. it's the most interaction he's had with josh since he knew of josh's existence. 

josh admires tyler's flushed cheeks, wanting nothing more than to hold his delicate face in his hands. the flushed boy is perfect prey. josh takes tyler's face in his hands. their eyes meet each other's, and josh can see tyler immediately submit. it sends a rush of joy through josh. the power trip shocks through his bones. a metaphorical leash is clasped to tyler, and josh proudly holds the other end.

tyler wonders, only for a second, if his life is only a convoluted suicide note. a long, drawn-out goodbye. his body is a rusty cage. how long can he contain the savage being trapped inside? 

josh softly pinches tyler's cheek and the thought unravels like a poorly woven tapestry. tyler is strong with the pastel boy holding him. josh starts leaning in, and tyler panics. he squeaks and jumps up, running off. he hides in the warm greenhouse behind a giant fern. he holds the leaves in his shaking hands.

too close, too close. 

josh follows calmly, his voice low. "you can't hide from me, little one." he murmurs.

he knows how the name will effect tyler. he knows him too well. he hears a minuscule squeak and walks toward it. he pushes the potted fern aside, kneeling down. tyler's sitting, curled up in a shaky ball. his eyes are wide and his cheeks are void of color. 

 "are you alright?" josh whispers softly. 

tyler nods, "i-i'm sorry for running." he says. 

"i wasn't worried." josh replies.

"why...?" tyler asks, snuggling his face into josh's shirt as josh picks him up.

"you can't escape me. even if you tried." josh replies.

*

tyler curls up in josh's bed, listening to him practice the drums quietly. tyler smiles whenever josh curses from messing up. the moment is pure. tyler rolls up in josh's sheets and closes his eyes. the sheets smell like josh. they're soft and warm from the sun pouring into the room from the window. 

"sleepy girl." josh says, smiling and pulling the sheet back just enough to kiss tyler's forehead. 

tyler clumsily pulls him down, humming sleepily. "mhmm..." 

"goodnight." josh softly whispers. 

"night..." tyler whispers before falling asleep. 

*

josh takes his lamb home. the savage in his heart traces its fangs with a blood-stained tongue at the sight of his sleeping prey. josh smiles at tyler's parents, tucking tyler in on the couch. he softly kisses his forehead and leaves. 

josh can't wait to call tyler his. 


	3. three.

the dark in your mind is impenetrable.

but i'll be here.

*

tyler is screaming again. he can't help it. the dark has to lash out. tyler would rather throw rocks in the forest than claw his skin to shreds. he punches a tree so hard that his knuckles split open, gushing blood. he starts to sob, sinking to the floor. his fingers tear at his hair as he screams and cries. hands pull him up. strong hands. he fights them, smearing blood over their skin. he feels his mind fade around the edges and his world collapses in on itself. 

"will he be alright?"

"he's never done this before."

"does he need to be hospitalized?" 

no. no.

tyler opens his eyes, and he sees josh. bright lights shine down like heaven, but this place is the opposite of it. it smells sterile and cold. a doctor's office? josh looks at him sadly. tyler chokes back tears. josh pulls him close, rubbing his back. 

"don't wanna leave." tyler whispers.

josh shushes him, taking him home. tyler lays in bed, silently watching josh clean up his hands. josh lays with him, softly singing him to sleep. josh's voice is soothing, though a little scratchy from disuse. tyler's mind melts like chocolate fondue and he's out. 

tyler finds out he was in the mental health clinic later that day, after he wakes up. he stays in his room with josh the rest of the day, refusing to get up even to eat. josh feeds him pizza rolls and pop-tarts. his parents stay shut up in their room, talking in hushed voices. josh holds tyler like a baby, rocking him slowly. tyler needs this. it calms the tossing sea in his chest. 

"it'll be okay. i promise. i'll be here." josh whispers, kissing tyler's forehead. 

* 

josh is screaming now. the beast in his lungs digs its claws into josh's bronchi, making it harder to breathe. josh tears into his skin with his fingernails, screaming and crying. his mind is fluttering in a hundred different directions, like a hummingbird trying to escape an iron maiden. tyler, tyler, tyler. he needs tyler to be okay. tyler's going to be sent away; how does he make him better? 

josh feels soft hands gently guide him to the ground. "shhh. shhh." tyler's voice whispers. 

josh sobs and clings to him. tyler decides to try and distract him. tyler holds him gently, though josh is a little heavier than tyler. 

"i know why you fell in the courtyard." tyler whispers. josh hiccups, and looks at him expectantly. "you felt like you were falling inside, right? and it jumped outside. and it's like you couldn't stop. you couldn't breathe or think." he says.

josh can't help but nod. how did tyler know?

"have you found a word for what you are, beautiful?" josh asks, trying to control the shaking in his voice. 

tyler kisses his forehead, nodding. "genderfluid." he says proudly.

"what are you today?" josh breathes slowly, calming down. 

"a boy." tyler says, his eyes sparkling. 

josh smiles, playing with his tousled, pink hair. "let's go home, little one." josh says. 

tyler squeaks happily, snuggling his face into josh's neck. tyler's entire body squeezes into itself. he loves the nickname more than life. "five more minutes." tyler whispers. 

and they stay.

* 

the sun begins to set, painting the mossy forest floor with ribbons of gold. it casts speckles of light over tyler's cheeks. the trees whisper words that can't be deciphered as the wind caresses their limbs. the dewy grass stains tyler's jeans, but he hadn't a care in the world. he could die right here, with josh, and accept it happily. tyler hums softly as josh brushed his skilled fingers through his hair. 

"you're so beautiful." he whispers. 

"nooo." tyler whines, blushing.

he hides his face in josh's thigh, making josh chuckle. tyler is delicate, and josh loves it. josh scoops him up gently. tyler then hides his face in josh's shirt. 

"'m not beautiful." tyler mumbles. it's true, he isn't. he's fire, and asphalt-tainted slush. he's the dust settling in an attic, and the cobwebs that line things long forgotten. he is ugly. 

josh pulls him away, looking at him seriously. tyler looks at him with wide eyes, not afraid, just expectant.

"you are lovely."


	4. interlude.

i could die here.

now. 

under this tree, on top of this wet grass, beside josh.

and be so inexplicably happy, that the heavens will thunder with jealousy.


	5. four.

tastes sweet on your tongue.

the opposite of blood.

*

tyler swirls his tongue around it, moaning a little at the taste. his lips feel a little sticky, but he doesn't stop to lick them clean. a single drop of white drips down his chin, and he stops just long enough to swipe his tongue over it. he savors the flavor pooling on his tongue. he's hurrying to finish. josh grins at him, watching him.

"tyler, if you keep eating your ice cream like that, i'll give you somethin' else to swirl that pretty tongue around." josh says.

tyler squeaks, blushing. he nearly drops his spoonful of ice cream. he hadn't meant to be provocative. josh grins more, pecking his cheek before cleaning up his mouth with a damp napkin. tyler smiles a little, eating his ice cream less messily.

"are you enjoying it that much?" josh teases.

tyler nods, blushing and smiling. the blue sprinkles on his ice cream have melted, swirling pastel marble patterns over the sweet cream. it's beautiful, though not quite as much as the boy holding the accidental art. josh watched tyler lick his lips slowly, wanting to bite his pulse point with aggression.

so, he does. though not as hard as he wants.

they're in private, the courtyard empty of anyone besides them. the few trees in the courtyard have scarlet, orange, emerald, and charteuse leaves. autumn is falling over the town. josh pulls him closer. tyler whines softly as josh's teeth graze his skin. tyler sets his paper bowl of ice cream down, his fingers grasping for josh's shirt. josh's teeth sink into his prey's pulsing neck.

tyler moans softly, breathlessly whining, "daddy..."

josh grins, biting next to the fresh teeth marks. he drinks in tyler's trembling breaths, whispering, "shhh, babygirl."

tyler shifts into his lap. "'m a boy today." he says softly.

"noted." josh says, sinking his teeth into the crook of tyler's shoulder.

tyler moans softly, rolling his hips. "m-more." he whispers.

josh chuckles, softly shushing him. "all in good time, baby." he says, pulling away.

tyler breathes a few slow, deep breaths, and calms himself down. he eats the rest of his ice cream, being provocative on purpose. he sucks the ice cream off his spoon, making direct eye contact with josh.

"let's go to the beach after school, hm?" josh says.

"but it's really far away..." tyler says, pouting a little.

"that's alright. it's friday, we'll make it work." josh replies, smiling.

*

tyler shifts in the passenger seat. he's dressed in a tanktop and bathing suit shorts that show off his thin, but strong thighs. josh glances at them every so often. tyler can see the hunger in josh's eyes. tyler grins deviously. 

tyler leans over, nuzzling josh's neck softly. josh smiles, but then softly moans as tyler bites behind his ear. the little shit. 

"i know what you're doing, baby boy. don't start with me." josh says, his voice dominant and predatory. it's stern, like a superior would speak to him. yet, there's something else there. something that makes tyler tremble with want.

tyler bites his collarbone, his hand slowly grazing over josh's cock. it only takes a few seconds for josh to get fully hard. "i'm gonna count to three. if you don't stop, you're getting deflowered in the back seat of my car and you won't be able to sit for a week." josh growls.

"one." josh says, groaning softly as tyler's small hand grips his cock and slowly tugs it.

"two." he says, his voice clouded with lust but still bordering on a warning.

he starts to pull over, grabbing tyler and throwing him roughly in the backseat. tyler giggles, squeaking as josh locks the car doors and wraps a seatbelt around tyler's delicate wrists. Josh clicks the seatbelt down and looks at tyler with dark eyes.

"three." he says, his voice low.

tyler squeaks, suddenly realizing what he'd been asking for. he can feel josh's dominant desire pressed against his thigh. josh has him all tied down, like a sick scientist waiting to begin a dissection. he'd let josh do it without anesthesia.

"tell me no, and I'll stop right now." he says.

tyler says nothing, his bottom lip pouting irresistibly. josh yanks tyler's bathing suit down, grinning as tyler blushes. he pushes tyler's shirt up, noting the flush that's spread from his chest to his navel.

adorable.

tyler moans softly as josh gets him hard with just his tongue. it's an entirely new feeling that tyler can't stand to forget. he wants this every day. he needs it like he needs oxygen. josh's tongue is smooth, blissfully cool, and wet. 

tyler squeaks a little as josh pushes a finger into him after crudely spitting on it. tyler clenches around josh's finger for a few seconds, but relaxes as josh kisses his flushed skin and whispers praise. there you go, baby. relax, i'm gonna take care of you. so pretty. tyler melts into him, moaning and whining as josh gently works him open. it's slow, soft, sensual. 

tyler feels beautiful for the first time in his life. 

josh stretches him just enough, and then all the softness is gone. josh yanks his own shorts down, not wasting any time. tyler cranes his head up to see, but doesn't get far. josh slams into him, bottoming out in a second. tyler screams out his name, his body arching up and his head falling back. the seatbelt burns tyler's skin whenever josh thrusts. tyler loves it.

josh pins tyler's knees to his chest and destroys him. his hips slam into tyler's ass with each animalistic thrust. the sound of clammy skin slapping is all but sinful. tyler's a trembling mess underneath him. josh becomes slightly worried by tyler's whimpers, but he told tyler to say 'no' if he wanted josh to stop. 

josh slowed, cupping tyler's cheeks worriedly. "are you okay, baby boy? did i hurt you? do you want me to stop?" he asks, his brows furrowed. 

tyler hums softly, nuzzling his nose against josh's. "i'm perfect, josh, i promise." he whispers. 

josh resumes thrusting, but he's slow this time, just rolling his hips lazily. he unbuckles the seatbelt, holding tyler close. tyler's trembling arms wrap around his strong shoulders. tyler buries his face in josh's neck, moaning softly. josh reaches down, slowly pumping tyler's cock. 

he feels a stab of regret. he shouldn't have manhandled tyler like that. not now, at least. he should've waited. tyler had seemed to enjoy it, but that didn't matter. tyler hadn't specifically requested that. 

josh vowed to hold back from then on unless asked otherwise, sticking to being soft. he flips them over so tyler was laying on his chest. he gently thrusted, kissing tyler's skin whenever he pleased. tyler moans his name over and over again. josh grins, slamming into him once just to hear him moan louder. the exception was worth it.

"daddy!" he screams. 

"you like that baby? you like it when daddy's rough?" josh growls, rolling his hips. 

"y-yeah!" he whines. maybe josh was wrong. 

josh chuckles, slowing down. "too bad." he says. his voice borders on teasing.

he wants to hear tyler beg. tyler whines, grinding his hips downward. "n-no, daddy, please. please." he begs. 

josh grips his waist, "are you sure, baby boy? i don't wanna hurt you." he softly says. 

"yes, yes. want you to hurt me." tyler whispers. 

josh sinks his teeth into tyler's shoulder and fucks him so aggressively he rocks the car. he listens to tyler scream and claw at the leather seats. tyler's trembling fingers search for something, anything, to hold onto. his cock drools a small puddle of precum on josh's stomach. it's obscene, like a pornographic painting. 

"fuck!" josh yells, clawing at tyler's back until he draws blood. 

tyler cums with a gentle squeak, clenching up. he curls up like a kitten, panting. josh cums hard in his ass. tyler blushes deeply. "i-i thought you were gonna pull out." he says, his skin on fire.

"i'll consider it next time." josh replies, fetching baby wipes from the pocket behind the driver's seat. 

he cleans them both up, holding tyler. tyler can't stop trembling. "don't you ever tease me again." tyler grumpily says. 

josh chuckles, rubbing his back. "anything you want, little lamb." he replies. 

"shut up." tyler grumbles, though josh can hear the smile in his voice.


	6. five.

skin stings so good.

just like you knew it would.

*

josh watches tyler limp down the beach. he feels a stab of pride in his chest. he also feels worry. he wraps his arms around tyler's waist, nuzzling his shoulder. 

"did i hurt you, pretty boy?" he asks.

tyler shakes his head. "no, i'm okay. i wanted it." he says. 

josh picks him up, kissing his nose. they lay down beach towels, tanning under the warm sun. josh smiles lazily, rubbing tyler's back. "i think i'm falling in love with you." josh murmurs.

"gay." tyler says, cracking up. he lifts his head up off of josh's chest. "i think i'm falling in love with you too. but, my heart is forever promised to lady gaga, so don't get your hopes up." he says, laying his head back down on josh's chest.

"i'll fight lady gaga." josh says.

"she'll win." tyler mumbles into josh's skin.

"not with you on the line. i'll kick her ass, her parents' ass, and her dog's ass." josh says.

tyler giggles, "what did her dog ever do to you?" he asks.

josh stays silent after a soft giggle escapes his mouth. 

*

no one bullies josh dun. 

not just because he's a scary punk, or because he's built. well, maybe because of both of those. 

for the most part, he's never bullied because he stands his ground. this comes down to the simplest things. his religion, his clothes, his sexuality. 

he's made his place in the school. so, he's made it easier to do as he pleases. 

he drags tyler aggressively to the locker room a week after their impromptu date. to most, he seems like an abusive asshole. but both tyler and josh know that this roughness is previously discussed and eagerly requested. josh's dark eyes sweep over the locker room, and the boys inside leave immediately. they see a scrawny boy in the clutches of a man almost twice his size, and they know the equation ends with the boy being beaten to a pulp.

oh, if only they knew. 

josh throws tyler roughly against the lockers. tyler's cheek stings a little as it hits the slits in the bottom of it. he moans softly, nonetheless. hands yank at his hair. "shut your goddamn mouth." josh growls in his ear.

tyler gasps softly, "yes, daddy." he whispers obediently. 

josh yanks tyler's pants down. he spits in his hand only once and pumps his own cock until he's satisfied it's wet enough. josh slams into tyler, clamping his other hand down over his mouth. tyler bites his skin softly. josh groans, thrusting so hard tyler's cock grinds painfully on the metal lockers. 

josh grins a little as he hears guys talking and approaching the locker room. "wanna show off for me, baby? make your daddy proud." josh growls, bending tyler over a bench.

tyler is fully on display as the group of guys walk in. josh looks at them, balls deep in tyler's ass. 

"care to join?" he asks, though it's clear he wants anything but that. 

they scramble out immediately. josh continues to slam into tyler, degrading him with filthy words. some days, josh is soft and sweet, but not today. today, tyler wants josh to treat him like the dirt under his sneakers. 

tyler cums hard all over the bench. josh chuckles, mocking him for cumming so quickly. it only spurs tyler on as he hungrily grinds his hips back into josh's thrusts. "daddy, please, more." he begs. 

josh pulls out instead. he forces tyler to his knees, smacking him in the face in the same spot that hit the lockers. "suck my dick and i'll consider it. make a mess and i'll break your arm." he snarls. 

tyler's pupils are so blown, the brown in them is practically gone. he takes josh's cock in his mouth immediately. josh fucks his face savagely, yanking at tyler's hair and stealing the oxygen in his lungs. tyler gags with each thrust, his lips red and shiny. perfect. 

josh isn't worried, tyler would tap his hip twice if he wanted to stop. josh groans, cumming hard down tyler's throat. tyler swallows, coughing a little and sucking in a desperate, wheezy breath. josh lays him down on the bench, pumping tyler's cock quickly. tyler squirms and whimpers, overstimulated. 

tyler's hips twitch and he cums dry, whining so high pitched his voice cracks. josh grins, licking up his stomach. when tyler's completely calm, josh cleans him and the bench up. josh takes perfect care of his baby boy, pulling an instant freeze ice pack out of his backpack. he'd packed things exactly for this. 

tyler rests his eyes, still curled up in josh's lap with an icepack on his cheek. josh praises him quietly, rubbing his back. this is tyler's favorite. he loves being treated awfully, but he loves the aftercare more. josh brushes his fingers through tyler's hair, asking him questions to make sure he's okay. 

josh makes sure tyler's ready to leave before gently helping him to his feet. "let's go, baby." josh says. 

"okay..." tyler whispers blissfully, leaning into josh.


	7. interlude.

tyler would kill the monster inside him, that wasn't something to worry about. but the consequences (or rather, results, at least in tyler's mind), were what josh should be worried about.


	8. seven.

leaves die in winter.

so do i.

*

josh doesn't see tyler at school the season after the incident. winter has set over the town, frosting every surface and chilling the air. josh is happy that he can openly cuddle with tyler now. it's winter, that's his excuse. snow has graced them several times this month, and the cold never really lets the ice leftover leave. maybe josh can take tyler ice-skating. 

he doesn't know what to do with himself without tyler there. he eats alone, inside, in a daze. he has no one to speak to, despite the cafeteria being packed with students. no bones under skin to caress with his lips. he is a wolf without his prey. he spends the day wondering when his lamb will return. 

he goes home, finding a note taped to the front door. he plucks it off, the tape hissing softly as it's pulled off the painted wood. 

i'm sorry.

the note is in tyler's handwriting, written in gel pen. some of the letters are smeared. from what, josh can only guess tears.

sorry for what? what had tyler done that requires such a heartfelt apology. or what is he going to do?

it took approximately the same amount of time it would take to shoot himself as it did for josh to figure out what tyler was apologizing for. josh ran to the forest, his sneakers slapping the ground hard. 

don't let him be gone. 

please.

*

instead of getting on the bus in the morning, tyler curls up in bed. today's the day. the day that the beast inside him would be killed. tyler would be the valiant slayer. everything was planned perfectly. tyler would wait until his parents left for work. they wouldn't come to check his room, they blindly trusted that he was at school.

when he hears them leave, he slips out of bed. he snatches up a bag out of his closet, securely holding the worn strap. the glass bottle of whiskey inside clinks softly against the razor and pill bottles next to it. 

the winter wind whips over his skin. the blood vessels underneath try to warm his skin. does his own body know its fate? tyler is only a brain, the puppet-master of a body. he knows, but does the rest of him know? if it did, would his heart continue to beat? or would it simply give up, knowing the inevitability of it being stopped in its tracks?

leaves crunch, sticks snap, bugs skitter as he walks. he is a monster, isn't he? he destroys everything in his path. 

when leaves fade to soft grass, tyler knows he is here. the brink of death. 

tyler lays down on the soft bluegrass, the sun high in the sky. he drops a bag beside him, fishing a bottle of whiskey out. the liquor washes over his tongue and sets fire to his esophagus. the liquor spills into his brain. he smiles a little as the whiskey poisons his judgement. 

next, he pulls several stolen medication bottles out of the bag. he pops them open, swallowing them by the handful. they fill his mouth with their bitter taste. poison never really tastes good, anyway. tyler coughs a little, swallowing quickly and washing everything down with whiskey. 

as the sun starts to peek more through the trees, tyler pulls a pair of sunglasses on. he closes his eyes. he relaxes, and waits for death's nimble fingers to wrap around him and pull him into an eternal sleep.

"i'm sorry, josh." he whispers to the sky, the trees, and the ground beneath him. 

*

josh falls to his knees beside tyler the second he finds him. tyler has sunglasses perched on his nose, shielding his eyes from the harsh afternoon sun. tyler's trembling fingers clutch a small straight-edged razor. a bottle of liquor is carelessly tossed away, cushioned in moss. a bag next to tyler rattles when josh shifts it, but not much. josh opens it to see pill bottles, most of them empty. 

"tyler. tyler, baby what did you take?" josh said, softly cupping tyler's cheeks.

tyler leans weakly into josh's hands. "nothin'..." he mumbles. 

josh trembles, wanting to scream. why was tyler doing this?! josh scoops him up, holding him close."l-let's go home, okay? we can cuddle and sleep, a-alright?" he says shakily.

tyler shakes his head. "you're lying.. i know you are." he whispers. 

josh holds him close, starting to cry. he can't stop himself from sobbing softly. "i don't want you to die..." he chokes out, his voice cracking.

"i can't hold on anymore, josh. i'm weak." tyler said, starting to cry too.

"no, you're not! you're strong, and beautiful! you can't give up, please! please, let me help you." josh sobbed.

josh knew he could easily take tyler home. he could live with tyler hating him, if he was alive. so, josh did. he swept tyler up, taking the razor from him and walking home. "no! no, josh, let me go!" tyler screams and cries, weakly trying to fight josh. 

josh is stronger. he is the wolf with a finch in his jaws. tyler is no match for him. josh hands him off to his worried parents. tyler cries harder, trying to push away from them. they call an ambulance, and josh watches them strap a fighting tyler down. 

"i hate you, josh! i hate you!" he sobs and screams, fighting still.

josh kisses his forehead. "i can live with that." he says softly, leaving.


	9. eight.

josh misses tyler like the sun misses the moon in the twilight sky. life doesn't continue the same without his lamb.

tyler isn't the same either, but for a different reason. as he sits in solitary confinement, he plans. he plans exactly how he'll unromantically rip josh's throat out.

the beast inside him snarls triumphantly.

for months, tyler plans. through every therapy session, every group activity. his parents and his counselors think he's getting better. he isn't. he's still the gravel in the asphalt. the traction needed to cause violent movement.

he's angry, and bent on revenge. yet, he smiles politely and speaks softly. he hides what's inside so he may unleash it later.

isn't that what we all do?

during this time, josh takes to buying a drum set. he relentlessly beats it each day, sometimes with tears streaming down his face. he drums until his wrists are set ablaze and his drumsticks snap like chicken bones in the mouth of a wolf.

still, his self-hatred remains. he can cope, but not forget. he can't seem to move on.

all he thinks is tyler. the boy with the heart of desert sand. uniform in constitution, but separated in a million pieces. each part of tyler's heart belonged to the blackness. except a few grains.

he'd always said josh kept the black at bay. did that mean josh couldn't heal him?

he hopes that isn't the case.

*

"how are you feeling, tyler?" tyler's mom asks delicately.

"pretty okay." tyler replies softly, staring out the window and watching the colors of the outside world blend together.

he is going to saw open josh dun's abdomen, collarbone to pelvis, and devour his heart raw.

*

josh nervously holds a locket in his callused fist. nervous sweat seeps in between each chain. he cleans the locket off just in time for tyler's car to pull up.

tyler's parents go inside, and tyler slowly exits the car. just when josh is about to say something, tyler unapologetically punches him in the mouth.

tyler wants to do more, but he can't. he can't. he'd planned for so long. learned and tested and tried. why couldn't he just kill josh?

josh topples over, clutching his mouth. tyler pounces on him, attempting to punch him again. josh fights back viciously, and in only a few minutes both boys are covered in cuts and bruises.

they sit on the grass, panting and glaring at each other. "still hate me?" josh asks breathlessly, a cut on his brow dripping blood.

tyler doesn't reply, so josh grabs him and kisses him hard on his bruised lips. the lamb clings to the wolf.

tyler's lips ache as josh bites them softly. "i missed you so goddamn much." josh whispers.

"i missed you too." tyler replies.

*

this day is the first that josh touches tyler the softest when he makes love to him.

usually the intimacy exchanged is degrading. this time it's so loving, tyler thinks he might die.

josh rolls his hips, making tyler moan softly. tyler clings to him, continuing to moan softly as josh gently fucks him.

"i love you so much, baby boy." josh whispers.

tyler can only whimper out a small "daddy..." before he's undone completely.

josh cleans up a very limp tyler and holds him close. tyler's hands explore the new muscles josh has acquired from hours of drumming.

"i'm sorry i got you sent away... i just wanted you to be safe. i almost lost you." josh's voice cracks. his trembling hands cup tyler's cheeks. "i almost lost you."

the way he says it, it's like he was losing the world.

tyler hugs him tightly. "'m not goin' anywhere, joshie." he whispers onto his boyfriend's shoulder.

josh sniffles, "swear?" he whispers.

"i swear." tyler replies.


	10. nine.

in the spring,

things begin to grow.

*

josh adjusts his tie, looking at his reflection. he looks so out of place. as if someone dressed a bear in a coat made of swan feathers. the suit is much too sleek, it doesn't fit at all with his pastel pink hair and gauges. he hates the look, but he knows tyler will love it. 

it's prom, dressing nice is 50% of the event, anyways. 

he walks downstairs and he feels perfect when he sees tyler. tyler's all made up in a tux, though his makeup makes it clear today is not a completely masculine day for him. tyler fucking beams at josh. 

"hey, handsome." tyler says in a honeyed voice. 

"don't start." josh teases, wrapping an arm around tyler's waist. 

tyler's champagne-colored eyeshadow glitters in the foyer lights. josh loves it. loves him. everything about him is a miracle, much like everything in josh's universe seems to be. josh kisses his forehead chastely, knowing he should save something better for when tyler's parents aren't looking at him. 

"pictures before you go?" tyler's mom asks hopefully.

"absolutely." josh says, cutting off tyler's soft, disapproving whine. 

josh smiles for the camera, his arm wrapped around tyler's tiny waist. tyler's mom happily takes pictures, happy tears in her eyes.

"alright, drive safe. please be home by midnight, you know i worry. you both have my number right? do you want to eat before you go? i can whip something up-" tyler hugs his mom tightly around her neck before she can babble any longer.

"mom, it's okay. it's prom, not college. we'll eat at the school, we'll be home on time, we'll even call when we get there." tyler says.

tyler's mom hugs him softly. "okay, sorry." she apologizes before letting josh and tyler run off. 

they hold hands as they run excitedly to the car. 

*

josh and tyler escape to the library as soon as they greet the few friends they have. they curl up between the shelves on the ground, kissing softly. josh's tie is undone, tossed carelessly over tyler's shoulder. the glitter that painted tyler's eyelids had spread to his cheekbones, and then to josh's.

like magic. 

josh cupped tyler's cheeks. "marry me." he murmured wistfully. 

"pay for my car." tyler replies sassily, smiling. 

"no, i mean it." josh says, brushing his nose against tyler's lovingly. "i couldn't stand to be without you. i know we're just teenagers, and everyone thinks we're stupid, but i don't care. i know what love is. and i should be able to do with that however i want." he says.

"love is a commitment, josh. it's not just a feeling. what happens when the money runs out? we'll be taking showers in gas stations and begging for pocket change. do you really think you'll still love me then? or love yourself?" tyler asks, pulling away and looking at josh with those sad eyes of his.

"tyler, you and i both know i've never loved myself. i only know love because of you. and i don't care if we end up eating each other. i'll still love you." josh insists. 

tyler shakes his head softly. "that's not how things work. i want security. i want things i can rely on." tyler says.

josh looks at him, obviously hurt. "and you don't think i can provide that?" he asks, his voice soft. 

tyler shakes his head. "no, josh. you can't. you don't have the means, and you know that." tyler says bluntly. 

"but i still love you." josh says, his voice cracking. 

"and i love you. but i'm not going to marry you. at least, not right now. not like this." tyler replies sadly. 

josh stands up. "i get it, i'm not the prince charming you've been asking for. but guess what, princess, i'm all you've got. do you really think i'm gonna let you demean me just because i don't have money?" josh scoffs, "you can't even finish senior year without slitting your wrists open because you think you have 'problems'. when are you going to realize that everyone has problems and one day you'll have to get over yourself?!" josh ends with a shout. 

tyler stares at josh with such heartbreak, josh is almost afraid he's killed him. tyler stands up, shoving josh so hard that josh almost knocks over the bookshelf behind him. books fall to the floor, kicking up dust and hurting josh. 

"i hate you. god, i hate you, joshua." tyler spats. 

he runs off, leaving josh stunned. 

*

josh runs out just in time to see tyler drive off. josh tears at his hair. what has he done?

he borrows a car from a friend with empty promises to bring it right back. he follows tyler, rolling down the window and screaming for him to stop. tyler looks at him for just a second, shouting something. headlights blind josh for a second, and then the sound of shattering glass announces the descent of his consciousness.


	11. ten.

tyler wakes up with only a minor headache and some burning cuts on his face. he must've only been knocked out, nothing worse. his shoulder is bruised from his seatbelt. thank god nothing worse happened to him. 

in a nanosecond, he recalls everything. josh, his words, the driving, the headlights, end. he looks around for the source of that horrid beeping noise that penetrates his thoughts, knowing it wasn't coming from him.

across the room was an unidentifiable lump of bandages and bloodstains. if the person wrapped up survives the night, they obviously will never recover. their heartbeat is inconsistent, their blood pressure low. tyler prays to god, to his long-dead ancestors, that it isn't who he thinks it is. 

he slips out of bed, walking over. and he breathes a sigh of relief. 

it isn't josh. 

*

he waits, and waits. and wonders.

did josh already leave? 

light barely shines in from the tinted hospital windows. the cold from the floor soaks into tyler's skin. he doesn't want to call a nurse to ask for socks. he has one purpose in this moment: find josh. a doctor comes in with a stack of paperwork for tyler. 

"do you know where joshua dun is, by any chance?" tyler says casually. the doctor looks at him with the saddest look tyler's ever seen. tyler knows that look. "please don't tell me that he's dead." tyler pleads, his voice cracking with desperation and sorrow. 

the doctor leads him somewhere else. 

*

josh's hair is stained red with his blood, but it's not tyler's main concern. josh skull is gaping open, half of his face is so marred it's unrecognizable. the brain matter from josh must still be in the car. no blood pools under the mess like one would expect. all of josh's blood is gone. the dark bruises on parts of his skin make it clear that no blood will ever leave his wounds again. his body is in a similar state, flesh shredded and skin missing. 

tyler can't breathe. 

no. 

tyler screams into his hands and falls to the floor. "no! NO! JOSH, JOSH, PLEASE COME BACK!" tyler sobs and screams for him. tyler rocks on the cold linoleum floor, not being physically capable of expressing the emotions raging like a storm inside him. 

all he can do is scream into the collar of his hospital gown and sob. the doctor stands by, used to this display from people by now. this case a little more on the extreme side. 

"bring him back, bring him back, please, god. please!" tyler begs to the air. 

the doctor decides to give him privacy.

tyler climbs onto the table, curling up into josh's side. he doesn't care what culture says, he doesn't care. 

he wants to sew himself to josh so they can never take him away. tyler eventually locks to door, barring it with every available piece of furniture in the room. people try to come in, but it's impossible. tyler sits on the examination table, touching josh's undamaged cheek. 

"you're not dead. i-i know y-y-you're not dead. y-you still h-h-have things t-to do... you're supposed to be h-here with m-me." tyler stammers, simply denying the truth. 

josh's skin is as pale as hospital walls. his flesh is bone dry and his bones are showing themselves to the god-forsaken world. 

he's gone.


	12. the end

happy endings aren't real. 

everything and everyone, eventually, dies.


	13. ...

this is not the end.


	14. the half sequel.

http://archiveofourown.org/works/10723908

it's not a sequel, but it is kind of. but not. 

just read it ya noodles.


End file.
